Based on comments from Reddit, I have some more suggestions for ways to woo a lady using the power of language:
1. Love Letters
Although slightly old-fashioned, nothing tells your lady that she's special like a letter full of your deepest feelings. She'll appreciate the time you took to sit down, and put your feelings into words.
(Alternate version)
1. Dirty Notes.
This requires less skill with words, but may be more appropriate to the situation if you enjoy the person you are dating, but are really just in it for the sex. Here are some suggestions, that do not necessarily need to be written on paper, but would get the job done equally well by text message:
- I'm not wearing underwear
- I'm wearing sexy underwear
- I'm wearing YOUR underwear
- I have a 12-pack of Trojans, a box of viagra, and a crate of Red Bull
- Meet me in the bathroom in 3 minutes
- I want to <insert obscene comment here> you
Or, for the more advanced pervert:
- I want to <verb> you while you <verb> me, wearing nothing but <insert underwear> in the <insert religious establishment>
If your partner is on the same wavelength, this will almost certainly lead to naughty-times.
2. 50 Shades of Grey
I'm 25 at the time of writing this, so prefer my pornography in video format, but perhaps as I get older and more refined, I shall seek out literary filth. For those of you who are a tad older and have read 50 Shades, I reckon that's a good way to turn a conversation about books into a conversation about fucking. Good times.
3. Poetry
This one could be tricky. Poetry-writing isn't really the manliest of activities, but some chicks go for it. So yeah, whatever.
4. Be incredibly successful and rich through your writing
If you get rich, and your book gets made into a movie, and your book isn't Lolita, I think that will certainly make dating a lot easier. I can't imagine a world where JRR Tolkein wasn't rolling in the pussy. Hell, if your book is as popular as Lord of the Rings, even your offspring will be rolling in it. This writer salutes you Christopher Tolkein.
Best of luck,
S-Jay
Sunday, 8 December 2013
New (Snazzier) Cover for Licking Walls in the Dark
Here is the new cover. The stock photo is the same, but I used a program called Art Text 2 for the text, making it look a lot more professional.
If you're the kind of person who likes to judge a book by the title and the cover - which I'm kinda hoping you are, since my main marketing technique is 'have attractive covers and catchy titles', then feel free to check out Licking Walls in the Dark:
Licking Walls in the Dark - UK
Licking Walls in the Dark - USA
OK, so if you're not happy to just throw money at something because it looks pretty and the title is the cleverest thing I've ever written, here's a summary of the story:
If you're the kind of person who likes to judge a book by the title and the cover - which I'm kinda hoping you are, since my main marketing technique is 'have attractive covers and catchy titles', then feel free to check out Licking Walls in the Dark:
Licking Walls in the Dark - UK
Licking Walls in the Dark - USA
OK, so if you're not happy to just throw money at something because it looks pretty and the title is the cleverest thing I've ever written, here's a summary of the story:
It's a novella about Pon, a dwarf who was born into a society of miner dwarves. They live and work underground in the mine, carvng out great slabs of stone to be sent to the surface. Neither Pon, nor anyone he knows has ever been to the surface. This way of life has simply been accepted by the dwarves. But but by Pon. Each day he spends in the mine crushes his soul a little more. He feels the weight of millions of tonnes of stone weighing down on him and he cannot take it anymore.
Pon must get out.
He finds himself on the cusp of a discovery that would buy him a ticket to the surface. However, as Pon learns more about the true nature of dwarf society, he begins to realise that his lot in life is more grim than he had previously realised…
Still not happy? Well then I don't know what you want.
Buy my damn book,
Steve
Dating Advice from a Writer
OK, since the majority of my most recent internet traffic has (inexplicably) been coming from Ourmeets.com, which appears to be a hookup site, I thought I better try catering to that audience.
I'm a guy, so don't really know how to help a woman who needs help with dating. To be honest, I really think that females don't need as much help with dating as guys. All I would say to the females is, this advice probably works well for both sexes, but specifically to the women: keep something sharp on hand in case a creep comes a-calling.
So here are my top tips for getting ahead in the dating scene:
1. Alcohol is your friend.
Alcohol is the world's greatest social lubricant (apart from Roofies, but lets not go down that road). It serves a number of purposes: it makes you less inhibited, makes you seem less dull, makes you seem more attractive, and makes your date seem more attractive. As someone who has done a little internet dating: that last one can be quite important.
2. Topics of conversation.
DO talk about: movies, music, current events (although see below), celebrities, television shows, and those kinds of things until about the third date.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DISCUSS THE FOLLOWING: Politics (dull, and no-one agrees with you anyway), religion (a minefield), serious crime (bringing up something like rape or murder with someone you barely know will cause them to seriously question your intentions), your job (no, really, what you do is boring as fuck), exes (because nothing says "i'm over my ex" like some harsh criticism of them), and pretty much anything negative. Get over yourself, you can't pull of the 'dark and mysterious stranger' thing, be positive you miserable bastard.
3. The bill.
Offer to pay. If he/she lets you, and doesn't offer to at least split the cost, make a mental note to be reviewed when considering if you should ask him/her out again.
4. No gifts.
Did someone say 'desperation'?
5. Wash yourself you smelly fuck.
Self-explanatory really. Guys, if you think you're now clean: repeat everything you just did. I'm a guy, and I know that we stink A LOT. So take extra care when you're preparing to (hopefully) get into an intimate situation with someone else.
6. Dress nicely.
Default position: a shirt, trousers and shoes - possibly with a suit jacket too. There are obvious exceptions to this. If you're dating a rocker and are intending to go for a night of head banging, you may want to break out your nicest Iron Maiden t-shirt. If you're going to a restaurant/ for coffee/ cinema, although these places rarely have dress-codes these days, dress to impress. And iron what you're intending to wear, Mr Scruffy.
7. Be your BEST self.
Some people might call this being 'dishonest'. Well, to those people I would say: enjoy your virginity. You have enough flaws to make the new pope say 'fuck this guy/gal'. Keep the flaws hidden for a while until you find yourself thinking: I'd like to spend a lot more time with this person (usually 10 dates unless you knew them beforehand). Then let them out slowly and hope for the best.
8. Humour.
Be funny. People like funny.
8.1 Don't been unfunny.
That racist joke your boss told you, that you laughed at so he wouldn't fire your ass, keep that one to yourself and your buddies in the pub.
9. Be attractive (in every way you can).
If you're ugly, and let's face it, you might be: you've got a tough road ahead of you. Do the best you can with what you have.
10. Finally: if my advice gets you fucked, and you happen to find someone who is good with you recording the event (for science), please share with the group.
Good luck,
Ess-to-the-Jay
I'm a guy, so don't really know how to help a woman who needs help with dating. To be honest, I really think that females don't need as much help with dating as guys. All I would say to the females is, this advice probably works well for both sexes, but specifically to the women: keep something sharp on hand in case a creep comes a-calling.
So here are my top tips for getting ahead in the dating scene:
1. Alcohol is your friend.
Alcohol is the world's greatest social lubricant (apart from Roofies, but lets not go down that road). It serves a number of purposes: it makes you less inhibited, makes you seem less dull, makes you seem more attractive, and makes your date seem more attractive. As someone who has done a little internet dating: that last one can be quite important.
2. Topics of conversation.
DO talk about: movies, music, current events (although see below), celebrities, television shows, and those kinds of things until about the third date.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DISCUSS THE FOLLOWING: Politics (dull, and no-one agrees with you anyway), religion (a minefield), serious crime (bringing up something like rape or murder with someone you barely know will cause them to seriously question your intentions), your job (no, really, what you do is boring as fuck), exes (because nothing says "i'm over my ex" like some harsh criticism of them), and pretty much anything negative. Get over yourself, you can't pull of the 'dark and mysterious stranger' thing, be positive you miserable bastard.
3. The bill.
Offer to pay. If he/she lets you, and doesn't offer to at least split the cost, make a mental note to be reviewed when considering if you should ask him/her out again.
4. No gifts.
Did someone say 'desperation'?
5. Wash yourself you smelly fuck.
Self-explanatory really. Guys, if you think you're now clean: repeat everything you just did. I'm a guy, and I know that we stink A LOT. So take extra care when you're preparing to (hopefully) get into an intimate situation with someone else.
6. Dress nicely.
Default position: a shirt, trousers and shoes - possibly with a suit jacket too. There are obvious exceptions to this. If you're dating a rocker and are intending to go for a night of head banging, you may want to break out your nicest Iron Maiden t-shirt. If you're going to a restaurant/ for coffee/ cinema, although these places rarely have dress-codes these days, dress to impress. And iron what you're intending to wear, Mr Scruffy.
7. Be your BEST self.
Some people might call this being 'dishonest'. Well, to those people I would say: enjoy your virginity. You have enough flaws to make the new pope say 'fuck this guy/gal'. Keep the flaws hidden for a while until you find yourself thinking: I'd like to spend a lot more time with this person (usually 10 dates unless you knew them beforehand). Then let them out slowly and hope for the best.
8. Humour.
Be funny. People like funny.
8.1 Don't been unfunny.
That racist joke your boss told you, that you laughed at so he wouldn't fire your ass, keep that one to yourself and your buddies in the pub.
9. Be attractive (in every way you can).
If you're ugly, and let's face it, you might be: you've got a tough road ahead of you. Do the best you can with what you have.
10. Finally: if my advice gets you fucked, and you happen to find someone who is good with you recording the event (for science), please share with the group.
Good luck,
Ess-to-the-Jay
Tuesday, 22 October 2013
Bi-Annual check in
Well, it's been a while. Thankfully, I'm not a famous author, so no-one has noticed. Phew that could have been embarrassing.
Although, according to the views tracker thing I've had a few page views in the last month which originated from a dirty site called Ourmeets.com. Dafuq?
Why am I getting traffic from a site for people trying to get shagged?
I went onto the site and there appears to be a 'chat with our ladies' thing. This just raises more questions. Is my blog a source of chat for people trying to organise hookups?
"Hey, you read SJ Magill's latest blog post?"
"I sure have, you looking forward to reading the Werechicken? I am."
"Yeah, me too. Wanna meet up and fuck?"
If that's the case, I'm thrilled to be a part of such an arrangement.
Anyway, moving on from that sort of thing. I am still redrafting the Werechicken. I know it's taking forever, but I haven't JUST been super OCD redrafting for the past 8 months. I got bored of the whole redrafting thing and started work on the sequels. Plus my job leaves me drained a lot of the time, so when work is busy, writing is slow.
The sequels, The Vampire Horse and Technically a Dragon, are being written in tandem. It's a lot of fun writing them, but I really want to get The Werechicken out there. So, I've finally gotten back to the redrafting. It's going well! I'm happy with the majority of what I've written, and I think it's almost at the point where it's a product that I could sell to people. So look out for that.
Anyway, I'm exhausted. It's bed time :-)
TTFN
Essjay
Although, according to the views tracker thing I've had a few page views in the last month which originated from a dirty site called Ourmeets.com. Dafuq?
Why am I getting traffic from a site for people trying to get shagged?
I went onto the site and there appears to be a 'chat with our ladies' thing. This just raises more questions. Is my blog a source of chat for people trying to organise hookups?
"Hey, you read SJ Magill's latest blog post?"
"I sure have, you looking forward to reading the Werechicken? I am."
"Yeah, me too. Wanna meet up and fuck?"
If that's the case, I'm thrilled to be a part of such an arrangement.
Anyway, moving on from that sort of thing. I am still redrafting the Werechicken. I know it's taking forever, but I haven't JUST been super OCD redrafting for the past 8 months. I got bored of the whole redrafting thing and started work on the sequels. Plus my job leaves me drained a lot of the time, so when work is busy, writing is slow.
The sequels, The Vampire Horse and Technically a Dragon, are being written in tandem. It's a lot of fun writing them, but I really want to get The Werechicken out there. So, I've finally gotten back to the redrafting. It's going well! I'm happy with the majority of what I've written, and I think it's almost at the point where it's a product that I could sell to people. So look out for that.
Anyway, I'm exhausted. It's bed time :-)
TTFN
Essjay
Sunday, 10 February 2013
The BAFTAS
This blog post is aimed at my fellow writers. I'm currently sitting watching the ridiculously accomplished and lucky people at the BAFTA awards. I wonder what it would be like to be sitting there, and hearing my name being called as the winner in the 'best screenplay' or 'best film' award for a film based on one of my books.
It's a long and hard road, but if you want it hard enough, you'll do it. But is just wanting it enough? Obviously there are things that you can't control that factor into success. As for those other things, what are the essential features of an award winning writers? The first thing is obviously the ability to come up with a great story. One can be the most technically brilliant writer on the planet, but if the story sucks, who will want to read it?
Then there's that second part: the ability to write. The best story in the world means nothing if it reads like it's told by a mental-patient with a crayon.
Fortunately, both of these are skills. The writing more obviously so: practice makes perfect etc. Coming up with good stories on the other hand is more tricky. It requires things like inspiration, experience, and imagination. I believe that things like this can be practiced as well.
But say I'm the best writer in the world. That doesn't automatically entitle me to a seat next to Hugh Jackman. I have to get my writing out there.
My current philosophy is that one only fails if one gives up (or dies trying, but lets pay no attention to that for now). I'm planning on playing the shit out of the 'long game' i.e. get a shit-ton of books out there, like Terry Pratchett, and acquire an awesome cult following. Then I will get them to harrass Hollywood types (set up camp on their front lawns etc.) until I get a movie made. If they don't agree to all of my terms and my script etc, I will instruct the fans to stay there forever until all my demands are met. Then BAFTA.
I think it's a good plan tbh.
It's a long and hard road, but if you want it hard enough, you'll do it. But is just wanting it enough? Obviously there are things that you can't control that factor into success. As for those other things, what are the essential features of an award winning writers? The first thing is obviously the ability to come up with a great story. One can be the most technically brilliant writer on the planet, but if the story sucks, who will want to read it?
Then there's that second part: the ability to write. The best story in the world means nothing if it reads like it's told by a mental-patient with a crayon.
Fortunately, both of these are skills. The writing more obviously so: practice makes perfect etc. Coming up with good stories on the other hand is more tricky. It requires things like inspiration, experience, and imagination. I believe that things like this can be practiced as well.
But say I'm the best writer in the world. That doesn't automatically entitle me to a seat next to Hugh Jackman. I have to get my writing out there.
My current philosophy is that one only fails if one gives up (or dies trying, but lets pay no attention to that for now). I'm planning on playing the shit out of the 'long game' i.e. get a shit-ton of books out there, like Terry Pratchett, and acquire an awesome cult following. Then I will get them to harrass Hollywood types (set up camp on their front lawns etc.) until I get a movie made. If they don't agree to all of my terms and my script etc, I will instruct the fans to stay there forever until all my demands are met. Then BAFTA.
I think it's a good plan tbh.
Monday, 4 February 2013
Time...
Where does time go? Seriously? How is a person supposed to do EVERYTHING he wants to do?
Right now, I'm trying to fit in all of the following into my life:
Work (out of necessity, not much choice here)
Writing
Editing
Blogging
Forum-ing (that's right, I verbed that shit)
Climbing
Snowboarding
Reading
Movie-watching
Spending time with my girlfriend (boy is she going to be pissed that she's tenth on the list...)
Spending time with friends
Blogging
Cooking
Painting
World-Domination (that's more of a long-game activity)
Taking care of my snakes
Eating
Sleeping
I know what you're thinking: 'Steve, cut some of that shit out!' But to that I say: 'no sir! That's not the way I do business!'
During the week I've been trying to dedicate my two free evenings to writing and writing related activities. There's also SOME free time for writing on the weekends. I've identified at least two hours of my day when I'm wholly unproductive, and that's the drive to and from work. What I would love to be able to do is be able to write/read/edit while I'm driving. Unfortunately, I'm a sucky driver as it is, so that's probably not the safest idea.
I've toyed with the idea of doing some writing at work at lunchtime, but I rarely get a lunchbreak these days (oh woe is me!). Also, when I do get a lunchbreak, I like to spend it doing very little, to relax the old brain. Obviously I can sneak in a little forum-ing at work. This has a double-function as a kind of advertising, especially with my books in my sig.
But there's very little scope for sneaking in a little bit here and there on all of the other activities. I can't write while snowboarding (or can I? I mean I could give it a go and post the results on YouTube, that might help with the advertising too).
So what's the solution? Right now I'm working on a 'everything in moderation' philosophy. I can go climbing one weekend, snowboarding the next, and go to the cinema the next. That frees up the rest of the weekend for other things. It's not a bad system, but I'd really like to dedicate two whole days per week to snowboarding, two to climbing, and two to painting. I would write every evening, and on my spare day: I would go into work, for triple what I'm being paid now. Any ideas how I can pitch that one to the boss? Anyone who comes up with something workable is a shoe-in for the Nobel prize in badassery (new category for 2013).
Hugs and kisses,
S.J.
Right now, I'm trying to fit in all of the following into my life:
Work (out of necessity, not much choice here)
Writing
Editing
Blogging
Forum-ing (that's right, I verbed that shit)
Climbing
Snowboarding
Reading
Movie-watching
Spending time with my girlfriend (boy is she going to be pissed that she's tenth on the list...)
Spending time with friends
Blogging
Cooking
Painting
World-Domination (that's more of a long-game activity)
Taking care of my snakes
Eating
Sleeping
I know what you're thinking: 'Steve, cut some of that shit out!' But to that I say: 'no sir! That's not the way I do business!'
During the week I've been trying to dedicate my two free evenings to writing and writing related activities. There's also SOME free time for writing on the weekends. I've identified at least two hours of my day when I'm wholly unproductive, and that's the drive to and from work. What I would love to be able to do is be able to write/read/edit while I'm driving. Unfortunately, I'm a sucky driver as it is, so that's probably not the safest idea.
I've toyed with the idea of doing some writing at work at lunchtime, but I rarely get a lunchbreak these days (oh woe is me!). Also, when I do get a lunchbreak, I like to spend it doing very little, to relax the old brain. Obviously I can sneak in a little forum-ing at work. This has a double-function as a kind of advertising, especially with my books in my sig.
But there's very little scope for sneaking in a little bit here and there on all of the other activities. I can't write while snowboarding (or can I? I mean I could give it a go and post the results on YouTube, that might help with the advertising too).
So what's the solution? Right now I'm working on a 'everything in moderation' philosophy. I can go climbing one weekend, snowboarding the next, and go to the cinema the next. That frees up the rest of the weekend for other things. It's not a bad system, but I'd really like to dedicate two whole days per week to snowboarding, two to climbing, and two to painting. I would write every evening, and on my spare day: I would go into work, for triple what I'm being paid now. Any ideas how I can pitch that one to the boss? Anyone who comes up with something workable is a shoe-in for the Nobel prize in badassery (new category for 2013).
Hugs and kisses,
S.J.
I'm Excited!
Hi all,
As you can tell by my title, I'm pretty happy right now. I've been working really hard on my latest novella, Licking Walls in the Dark, and I've been getting good responses from test-readers :-)
I'm going to give it one more look over, then send it to my meanest, least feelings-caring-aboutest friend, for him to shout at me until my book is good. Then I'll begin the long search for a good cover, slap my name on it, and throw my book into the hellish maelstrom of obscurity that is Amazon.
This is now my sixth book. That will be three short stories and three novellas available. I'm planning on doing collections, and then (drum roll) it will be time to unleash the novel.
The Werechicken has been sitting on the back burner for quite a while now. I'm really excited about finally getting it out there.
That's all for now. Watch this space for more self-indulgent ramblings. Coming soon!
As you can tell by my title, I'm pretty happy right now. I've been working really hard on my latest novella, Licking Walls in the Dark, and I've been getting good responses from test-readers :-)
I'm going to give it one more look over, then send it to my meanest, least feelings-caring-aboutest friend, for him to shout at me until my book is good. Then I'll begin the long search for a good cover, slap my name on it, and throw my book into the hellish maelstrom of obscurity that is Amazon.
This is now my sixth book. That will be three short stories and three novellas available. I'm planning on doing collections, and then (drum roll) it will be time to unleash the novel.
The Werechicken has been sitting on the back burner for quite a while now. I'm really excited about finally getting it out there.
That's all for now. Watch this space for more self-indulgent ramblings. Coming soon!
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