Sunday, 8 December 2013

Dating Advice from a Writer

OK, since the majority of my most recent internet traffic has (inexplicably) been coming from, which appears to be a hookup site, I thought I better try catering to that audience.

I'm a guy, so don't really know how to help a woman who needs help with dating. To be honest, I really think that females don't need as much help with dating as guys. All I would say to the females is, this advice probably works well for both sexes, but specifically to the women: keep something sharp on hand in case a creep comes a-calling.

So here are my top tips for getting ahead in the dating scene:

1. Alcohol is your friend.

Alcohol is the world's greatest social lubricant (apart from Roofies, but lets not go down that road). It serves a number of purposes: it makes you less inhibited, makes you seem less dull, makes you seem more attractive, and makes your date seem more attractive. As someone who has done a little internet dating: that last one can be quite important.

2. Topics of conversation.

DO talk about: movies, music, current events (although see below), celebrities, television shows, and those kinds of things until about the third date.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DISCUSS THE FOLLOWING: Politics (dull, and no-one agrees with you anyway), religion (a minefield), serious crime (bringing up something like rape or murder with someone you barely know will cause them to seriously question your intentions), your job (no, really, what you do is boring as fuck), exes (because nothing says "i'm over my ex" like some harsh criticism of them), and pretty much anything negative. Get over yourself, you can't pull of the 'dark and mysterious stranger' thing, be positive you miserable bastard.

3. The bill.

Offer to pay. If he/she lets you, and doesn't offer to at least split the cost, make a mental note to be reviewed when considering if you should ask him/her out again.

4. No gifts.

Did someone say 'desperation'?

5. Wash yourself you smelly fuck.

Self-explanatory really. Guys, if you think you're now clean: repeat everything you just did. I'm a guy, and I know that we stink A LOT. So take extra care when you're preparing to (hopefully) get into an intimate situation with someone else.

6. Dress nicely.

Default position: a shirt, trousers and shoes - possibly with a suit jacket too. There are obvious exceptions to this. If you're dating a rocker and are intending to go for a night of head banging, you may want to break out your nicest Iron Maiden t-shirt. If you're going to a restaurant/ for coffee/ cinema, although these places rarely have dress-codes these days, dress to impress. And iron what you're intending to wear, Mr Scruffy.

7. Be your BEST self.

Some people might call this being 'dishonest'. Well, to those people I would say: enjoy your virginity. You have enough flaws to make the new pope say 'fuck this guy/gal'. Keep the flaws hidden for a while until you find yourself thinking: I'd like to spend a lot more time with this person (usually 10 dates unless you knew them beforehand). Then let them out slowly and hope for the best.

8. Humour.

Be funny. People like funny.

8.1 Don't been unfunny.

That racist joke your boss told you, that you laughed at so he wouldn't fire your ass, keep that one to yourself and your buddies in the pub.

9. Be attractive (in every way you can).

If you're ugly, and let's face it, you might be: you've got a tough road ahead of you. Do the best you can with what you have.

10. Finally: if my advice gets you fucked, and you happen to find someone who is good with you recording the event (for science), please share with the group.

Good luck,


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