Sunday, 8 December 2013

Dating Advice from a Writer Part 2

Based on comments from Reddit, I have some more suggestions for ways to woo a lady using the power of language:

1. Love Letters

Although slightly old-fashioned, nothing tells your lady that she's special like a letter full of your deepest feelings. She'll appreciate the time you took to sit down, and put your feelings into words.

(Alternate version)

1. Dirty Notes.

This requires less skill with words, but may be more appropriate to the situation if you enjoy the person you are dating, but are really just in it for the sex. Here are some suggestions, that do not necessarily need to be written on paper, but would get the job done equally well by text message:

 - I'm not wearing underwear
 - I'm wearing sexy underwear
 - I'm wearing YOUR underwear
 - I have a 12-pack of Trojans, a box of viagra, and a crate of Red Bull
 - Meet me in the bathroom in 3 minutes
 - I want to <insert obscene comment here> you
Or, for the more advanced pervert:
 - I want to <verb> you while you <verb> me, wearing nothing but <insert underwear> in the <insert religious establishment>

If your partner is on the same wavelength, this will almost certainly lead to naughty-times.

2. 50 Shades of Grey

I'm 25 at the time of writing this, so prefer my pornography in video format, but perhaps as I get older and more refined, I shall seek out literary filth. For those of you who are a tad older and have read 50 Shades, I reckon that's a good way to turn a conversation about books into a conversation about fucking. Good times.

3. Poetry

This one could be tricky. Poetry-writing isn't really the manliest of activities, but some chicks go for it. So yeah, whatever.

4. Be incredibly successful and rich through your writing

If you get rich, and your book gets made into a movie, and your book isn't Lolita, I think that will certainly make dating a lot easier. I can't imagine a world where JRR Tolkein wasn't rolling in the pussy. Hell, if your book is as popular as Lord of the Rings, even your offspring will be rolling in it. This writer salutes you Christopher Tolkein.

Best of luck,


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