Sunday, 8 December 2013

Dating Advice from a Writer Part 2

Based on comments from Reddit, I have some more suggestions for ways to woo a lady using the power of language:

1. Love Letters

Although slightly old-fashioned, nothing tells your lady that she's special like a letter full of your deepest feelings. She'll appreciate the time you took to sit down, and put your feelings into words.

(Alternate version)

1. Dirty Notes.

This requires less skill with words, but may be more appropriate to the situation if you enjoy the person you are dating, but are really just in it for the sex. Here are some suggestions, that do not necessarily need to be written on paper, but would get the job done equally well by text message:

 - I'm not wearing underwear
 - I'm wearing sexy underwear
 - I'm wearing YOUR underwear
 - I have a 12-pack of Trojans, a box of viagra, and a crate of Red Bull
 - Meet me in the bathroom in 3 minutes
 - I want to <insert obscene comment here> you
Or, for the more advanced pervert:
 - I want to <verb> you while you <verb> me, wearing nothing but <insert underwear> in the <insert religious establishment>

If your partner is on the same wavelength, this will almost certainly lead to naughty-times.

2. 50 Shades of Grey

I'm 25 at the time of writing this, so prefer my pornography in video format, but perhaps as I get older and more refined, I shall seek out literary filth. For those of you who are a tad older and have read 50 Shades, I reckon that's a good way to turn a conversation about books into a conversation about fucking. Good times.

3. Poetry

This one could be tricky. Poetry-writing isn't really the manliest of activities, but some chicks go for it. So yeah, whatever.

4. Be incredibly successful and rich through your writing

If you get rich, and your book gets made into a movie, and your book isn't Lolita, I think that will certainly make dating a lot easier. I can't imagine a world where JRR Tolkein wasn't rolling in the pussy. Hell, if your book is as popular as Lord of the Rings, even your offspring will be rolling in it. This writer salutes you Christopher Tolkein.

Best of luck,


New (Snazzier) Cover for Licking Walls in the Dark

Here is the new cover. The stock photo is the same, but I used a program called Art Text 2 for the text, making it look a lot more professional.

If you're the kind of person who likes to judge a book by the title and the cover - which I'm kinda hoping you are, since my main marketing technique is 'have attractive covers and catchy titles', then feel free to check out Licking Walls in the Dark:

Licking Walls in the Dark - UK

Licking Walls in the Dark - USA

OK, so if you're not happy to just throw money at something because it looks pretty and the title is the cleverest thing I've ever written, here's a summary of the story:

It's a novella about Pon, a dwarf who was born into a society of miner dwarves. They live and work underground in the mine, carvng out great slabs of stone to be sent to the surface. Neither Pon, nor anyone he knows has ever been to the surface. This way of life has simply been accepted by the dwarves. But but by Pon. Each day he spends in the mine crushes his soul a little more. He feels the weight of millions of tonnes of stone weighing down on him and he cannot take it anymore.
Pon must get out.
He finds himself on the cusp of a discovery that would buy him a ticket to the surface. However, as Pon learns more about the true nature of dwarf society, he begins to realise that his lot in life is more grim than he had previously realised…

Still not happy? Well then I don't know what you want. 

Buy my damn book,


Dating Advice from a Writer

OK, since the majority of my most recent internet traffic has (inexplicably) been coming from, which appears to be a hookup site, I thought I better try catering to that audience.

I'm a guy, so don't really know how to help a woman who needs help with dating. To be honest, I really think that females don't need as much help with dating as guys. All I would say to the females is, this advice probably works well for both sexes, but specifically to the women: keep something sharp on hand in case a creep comes a-calling.

So here are my top tips for getting ahead in the dating scene:

1. Alcohol is your friend.

Alcohol is the world's greatest social lubricant (apart from Roofies, but lets not go down that road). It serves a number of purposes: it makes you less inhibited, makes you seem less dull, makes you seem more attractive, and makes your date seem more attractive. As someone who has done a little internet dating: that last one can be quite important.

2. Topics of conversation.

DO talk about: movies, music, current events (although see below), celebrities, television shows, and those kinds of things until about the third date.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DISCUSS THE FOLLOWING: Politics (dull, and no-one agrees with you anyway), religion (a minefield), serious crime (bringing up something like rape or murder with someone you barely know will cause them to seriously question your intentions), your job (no, really, what you do is boring as fuck), exes (because nothing says "i'm over my ex" like some harsh criticism of them), and pretty much anything negative. Get over yourself, you can't pull of the 'dark and mysterious stranger' thing, be positive you miserable bastard.

3. The bill.

Offer to pay. If he/she lets you, and doesn't offer to at least split the cost, make a mental note to be reviewed when considering if you should ask him/her out again.

4. No gifts.

Did someone say 'desperation'?

5. Wash yourself you smelly fuck.

Self-explanatory really. Guys, if you think you're now clean: repeat everything you just did. I'm a guy, and I know that we stink A LOT. So take extra care when you're preparing to (hopefully) get into an intimate situation with someone else.

6. Dress nicely.

Default position: a shirt, trousers and shoes - possibly with a suit jacket too. There are obvious exceptions to this. If you're dating a rocker and are intending to go for a night of head banging, you may want to break out your nicest Iron Maiden t-shirt. If you're going to a restaurant/ for coffee/ cinema, although these places rarely have dress-codes these days, dress to impress. And iron what you're intending to wear, Mr Scruffy.

7. Be your BEST self.

Some people might call this being 'dishonest'. Well, to those people I would say: enjoy your virginity. You have enough flaws to make the new pope say 'fuck this guy/gal'. Keep the flaws hidden for a while until you find yourself thinking: I'd like to spend a lot more time with this person (usually 10 dates unless you knew them beforehand). Then let them out slowly and hope for the best.

8. Humour.

Be funny. People like funny.

8.1 Don't been unfunny.

That racist joke your boss told you, that you laughed at so he wouldn't fire your ass, keep that one to yourself and your buddies in the pub.

9. Be attractive (in every way you can).

If you're ugly, and let's face it, you might be: you've got a tough road ahead of you. Do the best you can with what you have.

10. Finally: if my advice gets you fucked, and you happen to find someone who is good with you recording the event (for science), please share with the group.

Good luck,